Monday, May 14, 2012

You Were Closest to my Heart~ My Mother's Day Story

     In order for me to tell my story, I'll need to back up a bit.   Right after Preston was born Mark and I weren't sure if we want to continue on with our family.  Then we felt God working and opening our hearts for another one.  We tried for over 1 1/2 years to conceive.  Our ages were not in our favor,  I had Preston when I was 43.  This past winter we were getting very frustrated and started reading lots on the internet.  There was one article that we read that said "once a woman gets to 45 there is only a 1% chance of her conceiving naturally and a 50% chance of keeping it."  Not exactly what we wanted to read.
     Within 4 weeks we were looking at a positive pregnancy test!!!  OMG!!!  We kept grabbing it and looking at it for about 2 weeks, never thinking we'd see one of those again.  Back in our thoughts now we were thinking about the 50% chance of not making it.  We had gone through a traumatic miscarriage 4 years ago, something we didn't want to repeat.  So I immediately started doing progesterone cream and had C&B around. (Things I bought from Mountain Meadow Herbs) Over the course of the next few weeks we kept our little secret.  Behind the kids backs Mark would rub my tummy and smile at me.  I printed off a few freezer meal recipes as this little one was due 12/6/12, right during a busy time for me and the holidays.
     So I started thinking business am I going to get through a busy holiday season with mail orders and craft shows.  Many of my sales I'll run for a week, never ran one for a month.  May is my anniversary for selling on line so I thought I'll try a month long sale.  I wanted to see what the pattern was for buying.  New labels also came into play something I pondered long enough.  Looking for something easier for me to do either 9 months pregnant or new baby around.  Fall soaps were already getting made, new system for curing in place.   That 50% chance still hanging in the back of my mind, I kept thinking that these are things that can be done now and whether or not we have a baby it will still be for the good.
    The weekend of May 5th we started telling the kids.  By this time Mark and I've talked so much about this baby it was starting to feel more real.  We had a feeling it was a boy because of my cravings of protein and me falling asleep at random times.  One thing the kids always liked about me being pregnant were my cravings...I seem to crave the best tasting food.  Karlie's First Communion meal came about from my cravings.  :)
    Then our week from hell starts it was a week of really high times and really low times.  Early Tuesday morning Emily found our dog Lucy hit on the road and in the mean time I had chicks hatching.  I commented on facebook that it was a roller coaster of feelings that day.  That afternoon I pulled out all the maternity clothes washed them and put them away.  And later that day our pigs came.  I was happy because between the chicks and the pigs it took the little kids minds off of Lucy.  Later that evening I started spotting.  At first we thought I over did it that day.  There was just too much that happened and I needed to rest.
     On Wednesday I called our midwife to check with her as to what might be going on.  She told me to come in the next morning at 8 to do an ultra sound...I would be 10 weeks then and should see a heart beat.  The next morning I woke up crying fearing the worse and found more blood than usual.  Mark and I went alone to the ultrasound to find out that our baby had no heart beat.  We were devastated to say the least.   Now to come home and tell the kids.  Four years ago we lost a baby at 10 weeks 3 days...10 weeks 3 days now lines up with Heather college graduation but what are the odds, right?  We still had 2 of our older kids to tell and they were met with the high news and low new all at once.  So the next couple of days I did lots of walking thinking that would help bring things on.  I moved my jungle of plants outside, the kids and I planted the garden...I kept busy.
     Now we're at Sunday, Mother's Day, May 13...Heather's graduation and still no baby, what do we do now?  Mark really wanted to stay home with me with the four younger kids but I really felt that he needed to be with Heather.  She's only going to graduate college once and I'll have other Mother's Days in hopefully better circumstances. Plus, the younger ones were so excited to "go to college".  We made the difficult decision for me to stay alone.  Not the easiest decision to make but as my bother in law would say "it had to be done".  I was literally a walking time bomb not know when this would take place.  So off went Mark with 6 kids and picked up Aimee and up they went to St. Norbert's.
     So now here I am for the next 8-9 hours.  I started doing some laundry, got 3 loads hung out.  Watered some of the animals because it was getting warmer than they thought.  Made 5 loaves of bread.  Watched movies that the kids don't let me State Fair and Ma and Pa Kettle.  I stayed busy, if I got idol I would cry because I would get thinking too much.  About 2 in the afternoon I took a nice warm bath...I think this is what started things.  Right after I went out to rewater the animals, came in to post to my friends, stood up and it was over.  Nolan Aaron was taken from my womb at 2:42 that afternoon.  At 3 Jason called to see if he and Katie could come over after milking and I told him what had just happened and said it should be ok.
    This paragraph might be a bit graphic.  It was right after that call that every thing started to move.  I had clots not at big at I was expecting and lots of blood.  Every time someone called I tried to put on a happy face but in the meanwhile I was on the toilet with more blood and clots.  I took some shepherd purse that the midwives sent back.  My biggest fear was passing out so I kept moving and going to the bathroom.  I was so scared.  For the next 3 1/2 hours I felt so alone.  Everyone kept calling to see how I was doing but the best thing was seeing Mark walk through that door.  I hugged him so tight and just started crying.
     Shortly after that I felt faint and was laid out for a while.  I felt bad because Jason, Katie and Aimee were all around too.  By 8 that night the kids had left and I went to bed.
     Monday morning week.  My college girls come home for the summer.  I think we're all ready for a fresh renewing start.  We can spend time together and heal.  My real Mother's Day is how the kids treat me throughout the year.  The next few days I know I'll be pampered just having them close to me means more that anything.


  1. Marlene I am so sorry for your loss. I love you and am praying for you.

  2. I am so sorry Marlene. I don't know what else to say. I lost a baby at around 8 weeks, that would have been born sometime this month, nine years ago.

    1. I've been rather surprised at the number of people that have gone through similar situations. I feel like it's good to talk about it and just get all those feelings out. Thanks!

  3. Marlene, I'm so sorry. You and the family are in my prayers.

  4. Crying as I read this... I am so sorry Marlene.

    1. Thanks Heather...I should of added to grab the kleenex. :) This took me over 5 hours to write, it wasn't easy.

  5. So very sorry for your loss.....
    keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers